Now that thats over, lets begin.

2009 has been good for the film and gaming industry.  As our technology improves, we slowly climb the uncanny valley (AVATAR) or plummet to our doom (ODST)…

Lets focus on the positive.

And for you Twitter-Heads, my reviews will now be 140 characters or less…

Here are the TOP FIVE GAMES AND MOVIES OF 2009:

5.

District 9

Not only did this film make me hate humans, but made me appreciate the magic of Peter Jackson! $30 million budget!

Downside: Really gory…

4.

Batman: Arkham Asylum

Dark, fun, and interesting. The Dark Knight is pretty badass… And he doesn’t sound like he has throat cancer! And the Joker didn’t OD! Sorry

3.

Modern Warfare 2:

The game was basically a cinematic experience. When the game was over, I wanted to stand up and cheer.

But that would just be stupid…

2.

James Cameron’s AVATAR:

The film was a technological marvel. I stopped wondering how they made the effects and just enjoyed it.

If only Cameron didn’t leave his wife.

1.

Pixar’s Up

If you did not smile or cry during this film, you obviously have no soul…The film characters are more human then most actors.Go see it!

FIIIIIIVEEEE KICK-ASS ADDDDDDS!

There’s nothing like a good advertisement to brighten anyones day! Most Ad’s use the same unrealistic happy family pushing garbage products to gullible couch potatoes. The best ad’s usually have little to no mention of the actual product. Seeing how its 5 days to christmas, I will count down my 5 favorite advertisments:

Infomercials do not count, they involve some hooker abusing, TF2 reject (Looking at you, Vince). A special mention to Billy Mays, king of the infomercial…

Hi! Billy Mays Here!!!

Lets get started on this list, im fucking tired!

5. Coke World Cup Ad

There is something about this advertisement that always makes me smile, it really shows how the World Cup can bring everyone together, uniting us as one even with a shaky past (or in the balloon and cactus’s case, defies the laws of physics.) A great Ad with a great message!

4. Pepsi Max: Job Interview

Above:  WARNING, WHITE PEOPLE DANCING!

This Pepsi Max advertisement is clever and simple to understand, and the dancing at the end (forever known as the “Douche-Ho-down”) always cracks me up. The fact that the guy threw himself into a wall from  several feet away is pretty badass.

3. Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Launch Trailer

This advertisment is amazing…

It managed to pump me up for a game I wasn’t looking too forward to. The song fits perfectly with the footage, which doesn’t give any of the story away, but when you watch it after beating the campaign, you can revisit it by saying “Oh yeah, that part was badass…” Hype train at its finest…

2. Super Smash Bros. 64

Above: 0:11… GANGED!

This add is BADASS, Nintendo, known for its child friendliness, has four of its beloved characters beat the living shit out of each other… Actually, three grown men and a midget in a giant rat outfit beat the hell out of each other. In a scene that sounds like a fucked up porno when described, we get my second favorite advertisement ever.

1. Coke “Give a little Love”

I remember seeing this ad back in 2007 and laughing like an asshole in the theater. This has been my favorite commercial since 2007. I re watch it from time to time to get a good laugh and to notice things that I have never noticed before.

I think it’s the fact that the ad resembles GTA that makes me smile. A game where you can go around and beat people to death and steal their cars breaks the mould as if this person realizes that “Fuck this shit, I just had a coke!” and goes around helping the homeless, returning a stolen purse, and pulling a random guy out of his car to give him a carbonated beverage. If that isn’t funny then you are obviously messed up in the head… Or you are Jack Thompson…

-Happy holidays from The Nerd!

P.S.

The SWAT guys at the end of the Coke ad are Badass!

P.P.S.

Wait, this had nothing to do with Christmas…

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

Nah, i’m just messing.

Christmas is coming up, and I for one am exited!
Presents, Family, gifts, friends, peace, more gifts..
And Santa Clause!
Yes, I am in grade 12 and (I still believe!)
If you don’t believe in Santa then you are just doubting yourself.
Below I have listed a few things that I love about Christmas:

6. PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Above: DAAWWWWWWWWWW! :3

5.  Christmas Music!

In Canada? Listen to 97.3 FM!

4. Snow!

Above: Beautiful!

3. Christmas Films

Hell Yeah!

Above: Santa’s Workshop by Disney

2. Family Ties… Um… Time!

I SAID TIMES!

1. Mother Fucking Santa Clause!

The King Himself.

Happy Holidays!

-The Nerd

People only think that Disney was racist only towards the Jews…

LORD NO.

I sat down today after coming home from AVATAR, (Expect a review soon.) when we started watching old video tapes of cristmas cartoons by Walt Disney.

WOW, among all the happy holiday cheer were many racist undertones.
My favorite one of these cartoons was “Santas Workshop”, a cute, short little cartoon involving Santa and a bunch of elves. Let’s just say “Blackface Galore”!!

Not only that, but two “Asian” dolls accompanied by steryotipical music, a black marching band being chased by a police marching band, a black man pulling a mule cart. Next cartoon. BOOM! A kid getting soot on his face, not his lips and eyes. Followed by little kid ass… Wow…

Why would anyone think this is a good idea?

Nerd out.

Watching it again (on Blu-Ray) I truly realized how horrifying it really is…

His dead eyes, his creepy smile…

*Sob*

The same can be said for his train full of demon children… Especially the leader of the pack.

Careful, he’s caught your scent…

You cannot hide. No matter where you go…

They will get you, even when you sleep…

Tom Hanks then brings his evil army of brainwashed, kidnapped children to the north pole where they attempt to steal Santa’s holiday cheer, replacing his memories with nightmares… Forever ruining Christmas.

BUT WAIT! The Grinch did that in the 60′s.

Not this time, Hanks!

0_0″

-The Nerd

The citizens of Whoville are vile, horrible creatures. The Grinch lives up in the mountain, secluded from the rest of the world because he is different. Those basterds then taunt him with their roast beast and their whohash, and annoy him with their games of zoozit and kazay, (a rollerskate type of lacrosse and croquet!).

The Grinch would file a complant against these little bastards but he is unable to travel very far due to his shoes being to tight and the fact that he resembles none of them. He is also forced to live alone, without the regular health care that the who’s have. Why, even his dental work has even reached the limit of human torture, housing several termites in his fake smile (probably used to hide his tears).

And on Christmas Eve, the most wonderful night of the year, he is forced awake by an obnoxious narrator taunting him through song, pushing this poor soul to the edge of insanity as he must take back what was rightfully his… A normal life..

And the worst part of all, I saved for the last, he suffers from several medical conditions unknown to science. Mainly concerning his Cardio-Vascular tissues being “Two sizes to small.” as well as his constant neck pain of not being “Screwed on just right.” All this trauma forces him to take his pent up anger out on his dog.

In his memoirs, P.H.D. graduate Dr. Seuss explained how his producers forced him to change the ending seeing how the truth was more disturbing then the fiction. Let’s just say that Cindy-Loo-Who has been rendered comatose after her “Glass of Water”, the Grinch rigged many of the gifts with plastic explosives, violated many of the codes in the Geneva Convention, and was found dead face down in a pile of WhoHash…

This incident has been forever known throughout WhoVille as GrinchNaught…

May god have mercy on our souls…

I always imagined what would happen if the people who made those old holiday specials had twisted minds. Like if they one day thought to themselves “Fuck this shit, frosty has had enough!”
And they made spinoff films involving the main characters slaying down those who pissed them off. Yeah, they would probably blow. But think of how funny the names would be! Here are a few:

-Frosty the snowman 2: Frosty sleighs again.

-The Santa Clause 4: Nuclear winter.

-How the Grinch poisoned the water supply.

-The Nativity Story 2: Resurection X

- Rudolph the radical red nosed Muslim extremist.

-A Christmas Story 2: A Christmas Massacre

- No one loves you, Charlie Bown!

That was awful…
- The Nerd

The actual review:
Michael Bays sequal to his cinematic Opus, Transformers 2 goes above and beyond the expected level of fail left by the first shitstorm.

In this tale of giant robots and their giant balls and little dogs humping with their little… Balls, this film is Michael Bay rubbing his pro American, anti middle eastern balls in audiences faces. That’s alot of balls! And he must have them with the films $75 million budget! The only saving grace this film had was good CG, but even that looks like shit! With character designs looking like they threw some glue in a drawer full of kitchen appliances, to fembots, (yes, fembots), to racist, “wacky” robots who consist of nothing but Black stereotypes. This film gets progressivly worse as the three hours go by. Think of what that douchebag Michael Bay could have done with all that money. This hack is the next Ed Wood…Think of all the good he could have done… Or he might of just blown it all on miniature American flags and prostitutes who dress like the statue of liberty.

Or, you know, film school.